Adulting is highly overrated and more difficult than I ever anticipated, particularly when it comes to relationships. I met a guy last summer. He's actually related to one of my best friends, which makes things more complicated because she became invested in it. He's truly one of the most genuinely kind and unaffected guys I've ever met. He's the youngest of three, and grew up on a farm in a small town. Why all the background? Because I think it's important when you consider what I'm about to say. We don't make sense.
I come from a diverse background. My parents split when I was young, but remained amicable and raised me to the best of their abilities. I am fiercely independent because I am an only and was raised by two smart, independent parents who taught me to be the same. In contrast, he's the youngest of a close knit farm family. I'm not knocking that, but the reality is it's an entirely different mindset. He also learned to depend on two older brothers, but also questioned himself because of it. I have always been unforgivingly confident. It's a tough mix.
I firmly believe that you must have respect for your partner. It's on a different level than other relationships. The relationships I've had that have worked for me have been with men that I've had a deep respect for because they exceed me in some way- talentwise, intellect, etc. I don't perceive that as the case here. Does that sound horrible? Maybe it does, and maybe I am a bad person for it, but in the areas that I value most- intellect, culture, world view, sophistication, musical gifts, goal mindedness.... he doesn't excel in any of those. Where does he excel? Let me highlight some things he is great at. He's incredibly good at being responsible. If he says he'll do it, he does it. He puts other's needs before his own. And spiritually, he's rock solid. But I'm not sure he's ever really sought, which goes hand in hand with intellect and intelligence, in my mind. Arguably, these things I just mentioned are way more important than intellect and sophistication. But I will say this...When I sit down to dinner with a man, I don't want to constantly drive the conversation. I run a classroom all day. Sometimes it would be nice to kick back a bit. With him, I'm always leading. Whether it's plans, conversation, dinner, etc., I am leading. It would be nice to feel like I had an equal. Is it unreasonable and selfish to hope for this? Some people make me feel like it is. I don't feel like I respect him in the way I need to because I'm constantly explaining. i.e. yesterday- he texts " have a great day and have fun with the kiddos" and I texted back "have a great day!.... on the phone?" and he goes what? I don't get it. I'm like I work with kids, you're on the phone. Oy vey. Nevermind. Joke done. Game, Set, Match. It's work when I have to explain the joke to you.
I constantly feel like I'm trying to fit my foot in a shoe that doesn't fit or trying to make him into something he's not. Like last Friday, my Grandma had just gotten out of rehab on Thursday and I said let's take gram out to dinner and celebrate. So I rushed home from the gym, touched up my makeup, and put on some cute clothes. My heart dropped when he picked me up. He had on jeans- just casual jeans like I'd wear shopping, and a waffle/thermal knit shirt like I'd wear over my clothes leaving the gym to keep me warm. That's what he wore out to dinner to celebrate Grandma leaving rehab. Should it matter? Probably not. But come on man. I was just totally thrown. No. This is not what we wear out to dinner. Ever. When we're dating, and we want to impress a lady, we wear a darker wash jean and a button down shirt. And I shouldn't have to explain that or ask for it. It should happen simply because you desire the approval of your lady.
I feel horrible because I am fully aware that this is a man who would marry me, have children with me, give me what I want in terms of family life. I would be part of a family I love dearly. But I have to love HIM first. And I don't. It's not fair to him. I can't marry him on account of his family. He wouldn't want that and I know it's not right. I also know there's a good chance I stand to lose friendships over this and that is very hard too. So all of this is a lot to swallow.
Am I convinced I am doing the right thing? Yes. I am. As hard as it is, I have to drown out the voices of the naysayers. This is not about grief over my father. I felt this long before my father's death. This is not about all the other things happening in my life. It is about me knowing somewhere deep inside that no matter how hard it is to accept he is not for me. And it is hard to walk away because he's ready to go and is a Christian man, and would treat me well. But would we ultimately be right for each other? No. The question I asked myself was "would I marry this man if he wasn't part of this family? Do I love HIM? Or do I love what he's part of?" And the answers were no, no, and what he's part of.
