You keep finding ways to tell me to pick myself up. Ray LaMontagne's Be Here Now came on this morning. Then Pearl Jam. One of your favorites. And now a Coldplay song that says it so well- "Warning Sign". Friends telling me to live my best life for you. To honor you. And I know that's what you want. I feel it. I just can't get there.

The truth is- I thought of you as my final destination. There was so much love, promise, and light between us. So much spark when we were together. No one had to be anything they weren't. We just let it all hang out.  I have no one else like this in my life. No one with whom I feel I can be completely myself. You were so one of a kind. I fear I will never find that again in my life. And what's possibly worse, I'm not sure I want to. I want you to be my final destination, even if it's not here and now.

I am so miserable today I texted my best friend to tell her not to bother picking me up for tonight's gig because no human being should have to put up with me. And that's the truth. No man or beast should have to deal with this. I am so full of sadness, grief, anger, and frustration, and it just wells up and pours out. I have no control over it. I have never felt anything like it.

Part of my frustration stems from the fact that no one understands where I'm coming from. Not that they should. It's a very unique situation. We were dating. We had a falling out. We reconciled, and were attempting to get together. Had set a date to get together the evening of your accident. And it never resolved because you were taken from us. I can't get over it. I don't even know where to start. How does one get over the loss of a love that was so promising?

And tonight I am supposed to sing a gig that includes "Set me as a Seal." Set me as a seal upon your arm, as a seal upon your heart; for love is strong as death. Even typing it brings tears to my throat. How will I possibly sing that?