It's been awhile. Grab yourself a glass of pinot. I'll wait.
Ready? OK! New Year's Eve. I think you either hate it or love it. I happen to not be a fan. And it was even worse this year. Who wants to remember a year in which you lost someone you imagined spending your forever with?
The day started out well. I went to WOD. I did get teary eyed during a lift. Happens often as I confront fears at the gym and think of Nick. Finished the WOD, went to breakfast with my awesome CrossFitters. Then, I went to get my car fixed and started thinking. And thinking. And thinking some more. The same way I always do. Why didn't I go see you August 8th? Why did I push so much? Why didn't I ease up and enjoy our time together more? Why didn't I understand your life and the demands placed upon you because you came from a large family? Why were you taken at such a promising time? Why, why, why....? I found myself pulled over crying hysterically. I didn't want to cause an accident. I couldn't see through my tear filled eyes, let alone focus on driving. Then, Alex texted me. "What are you doing tonight, buddy?" I was honest with him and told him I was having a really rough time and would probably do nothing. He said he was in the same boat. Then, it occurred to me. We'd been saying we should get together with Katie, and here was the chance. The three of us hate New Year's Eve and none of us had plans except to sit on the couch, drinking solo and being depressed. Not a recipe for a good evening.
Plans quickly changed! I made some stew and prepped the house. Alex and Katie came over about 7:30, desserts and drinks in tow. We all had our sweats on and were ready to spend an evening together. We did some mad libs, shared stories and laughs, and just had a fantastic time being ourselves and enjoying each other's company. They left a bit after midnight. We texted each other as each got home safely. All were thrilled to ring in the New Year together, and our hearts were full. And it left me wondering... how does this happen? Each of us had planned to wallow and be upset and none of us needed that. Each of us needed uplifting. Is it God who put it on Alex's heart to text me? Nick? The "universe"? I always wonder this. This is my philosophical question for you today. How do we get what we need? I do realize that the realists out there will say it just "happened". I don't think that way. Alex and I talk regularly but not every day. How did it happen that he texted me just at the moment that I was falling apart? I don't think these things just happen. So again, I ask... How do you think it happens that we get what we need? Is it fate? Does the universe give us what we need? Is it God? Is it Nick intervening? Is it a combination of these? I've heard all of these explanations used. Just curious to hear what you think.
There was one dark part of the evening. Nick's younger brother is the spitting image of him. I find it hard to look at pictures of him, honestly. He and his longtime girlfriend were out on the town and posting pictures to social media. The girlfriend is a girl I grew up next to, but she is about ten years younger than me. I babysat her and her brother for the better part of five years. They are awesome people and I love her dearly. Katie remarked to Alex that Ethan and Sheila had been together a long time. He said yes and laughed and said the family always wonders when Ethan will pop the question. Alex said they love Sheila dearly and that she's part of the family. And I got terribly sad. It was a moment I felt some horrible self-pity. Ethan and Sheila are great people. I wish them all the happiness in the world. And yet, here I was, terribly jealous of Sheila for all the things she seems to have coming that I will never experience. I love Nick's family dearly and would have given anything to be part of it. I will never get that chance. So I felt horrible- for having these chances taken from me and from Nick, and for being jealous of Sheila.
And yet... I am still getting what I need. In the midst of this horrible tragedy, Nick's family has drawn close to me and vice versa. Alex told me his parents want to invite me over for dinner soon. Nick's sister and I have plans to get together soon and also to go to Lilydale in the Spring. I thank God and Nick for these things. And I have no doubt that he is up there, asking God to help us all through these moments. These things don't just happen, in my mind. God cares for us, and he ensures he fills the void. "God never closes a door without opening a window." I am so blessed that Nick's family is my window, and I only hope that I can be the same for them.
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