A heart full of love

Hung with your brother again tonight. Always brings so much peace and so much heartache to hang with your family... simultaneously. As the months wear on though, it's more peace than heartache.

I just can't believe we're here. There's basically been no resolution as far as your estate is concerned. I won't detail that here. But I will say that the legal system baffles me. To refuse to give someone information regarding your estate when you've been gone nearly 6 months? What is wrong in our world?

I feel a tug at my heart to step up and take your house. Would your parents want that? Is that ridiculous? I want to live in the town anyway. It's your place. So much of you there. Is that weird? It might be.

Sometimes I feel like I've got one foot in the past, one here, and one in the future. I feel like that foot in the past will always be there in a sense. I will always love you. You will always have a piece of my heart. Anyone who gets me will have to accept that your initials are on my body forever. #sorrynotsorry They'll have to accept that so much of me is wrapped up in you, and that it's beautiful just the way it is. I'm not saying there's not room in my heart. There is. But a piece of it will always be yours. Full stop. And the right guy will not only get that, but embrace it.

The one in the here and now? She can be a bitch. I wrestle with her daily. Do I self reflect? Do I act purely based on no day but today? She's always got something to say.

The one in the future is the trickiest. The sentimental sap in me says- take the house. NOW. Don't delay. Then the realist in me says "The new guy may be willing to accept the indelible ink, but not so much living in your home." And would I be able to handle it? Could I live there? Could I sit on the couch and make a new life while remembering making the pork rub in the kitchen? Could I ever go near that garage without thinking about the time spent there in your shop? I know I'd sit in the living room and think about HGTV marathons and snuggles on the couch. And the porch? Well, that's a whole other story. So the realist in me says "no". But my heartstrings say yes.

My heart is so full of love sometimes. Now is one of those moments. It's just bursting. I'd like to light up the world with the love I felt for you and with you. Our love was special. It was one that could've been a light to others. And that's why it feels so unfair to me now. It was meant to be that. And in one fell swoop, it was taken from the world. So ridiculously unfair. There's nothing that can be said that can make sense of this. Throw scripture at me. Throw platitudes. None of it matters with you gone. I wish I had words for the love that has filled my heart with you. I wish I could have you here for even 60 seconds. I'd throw my arms around you, hug you until you begged for mercy, and tell you exactly how I feel. And let you go all over again. Just let me do that. You haven't visited since September, and my heart just needs to tell you again. I love you.