Remember

"Remember" ~C. Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay,
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.


This poem has appeared twice in my daily life in the past couple weeks. It struck me the first time I heard it, and it struck me no less this evening when it appeared as a song setting we will perform in May. I can't help but think that this might be you speaking to me as you watch me struggle. I have been struggling with moving on. Here's another quote, quite the opposite of the above. " Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love. "  I guess, subconsciously, there has been some part of me that has wanted to grieve deeply to prove to you and to myself what we had. Since we never got to say those words to each other in person, it's like this is my final way of telling you exactly how I felt. And for that reason, it's hard for me to let go. Letting go means saying goodbye to you, and saying goodbye to the dreams we had.

Recently, a friend asked me how I would want you to act if this situation were reversed. I don't feel that's a fair question, but it certainly is interesting to consider. I don't think I can begin to answer it because I can't understand what Heaven is like from my place in this universe. But you were always about living life to the fullest, so I can't imagine you'd want any less for me now.

As for what that means, that's where I get stuck. I don't think I lead an unhappy life. I was driving home tonight and "Crash" (DMB) came up on my playlist. This song has a lot of memories for me. It's funny how a song can transport you to another feeling in another time and place. I was instantly transported to my high school years when life was carefree and I had not yet experienced the really ugly parts of life. This feeling of hope washed over me. It is something I haven't felt since you died. Yes, I've felt happiness. I've felt excitement. But hope? No. That died with you back in August. In just a few chords though, this song brought that feeling back. It didn't stay, but its fleeting visit was a great feeling. I'd like to have that feeling in my everyday life but I am not sure how to cultivate it. My view of life was permanently altered on August 19, 2014, and I am not convinced it will ever be the same. How does one feel hopeful again after seeing how quickly hope, beauty, youth, and love can be yanked away in a matter of seconds?

 I guess I feel like this was the straw that broke the camel's back as far as relationships go for me. As you well know, I put 110% into everything, and you were no exception. When my divorce happened in 2009, it took all I had to be open to love again. When Dave left, and especially in the way he did, I didn't think I could ever love again. But when we reconnected, our hearts connected on a level I couldn't deny. I opened up again, and you were taken just a couple months later. Part of the reason the whole hope concept is difficult for me is that it is rooted in faith, at least in my mind. And God knows how upset I've been with Him. It's not been pretty. He's heard a lot of yelling, screaming, and crying from me in the past seven months. People tell me to put my hope and trust in the very one who has taken you away. So yes, hope is a foreign concept for me right now.