I was on my way to the gym this week when I was overcome with sadness, yes, but more so with a huge realization. My life changed forever on August 18, 2014. When I think back to my life on August 17 and prior, I was much more carefree. I had worries over the stupidest things. Then Nick's accident occured and none of that mattered anymore. So I guess we could even say- the enormity and gravity of one moment. That's all it took to change my life, and the lives of countless others touched by Nick.
I would liken it to my divorce in some ways. Before my divorce, I had always been the kind of person who set her mind to something, created some short and long term goals, set to work on them, and achieved them. It was always a linear equation for me, and a relatively easy one at that. I set my mind to it, I put in the work, and I exceeded my own expectations. My divorce was the first time that equation didn't see me through. I had set the goals, I had put in the work, and yet, we still failed. Why? Because my ex didn't hold up his end of the bargain. It seems naive 6 years later, but it was the first time in my life I realized that there are two distinct individuals in any relationship. And while those people share life together for a time, they can, at any point, choose to break faith with one another, and choose to no longer invest that time together. That's what my ex did and it permanently changed me.
I feel the same way about August 18th. Nick was on his way to work on a beautiful summer morning, enjoying the sunshine and his bike. I am positive he didn't get on his bike that morning and wonder if it would be his last ride. But it was. Why? Because of someone else's negligence. Because of someone else and her what...? Distraction? Were the kids arguing in the car? Was the sun in her eyes? Were her brakes going bad? Whatever it was... She changed so many lives that day she chose to run that light. Nick didn't know it was coming until it was too late. I often find myself wondering what he thought in those moments. And in reality, I'm sure it all happened too fast and he likely didn't have time to think of anyone or anything other than how to avoid the impending collision. But I find myself wondering, nonetheless.
I guess I kind of think of August 18th as the day I permanently lost my youth, in a way. When you're young, you tend to think you're invincible. You don't think about death as something that can touch you. And in one moment, someone I had imagined forever with was rendered quadriplegic with injuries that ended up being fatal. It's just so bizarre how life works. That someone's life can be taken in an instant with no warning.
I don't mean to diminish the pain of those who have lost someone after a long illness, but it's so different, and I guess each has its blessing and curse. For someone in the grips of an illness, they have time to take care of affairs, spend time with family, and make mental adjustments. But there is the fear to conquer, the suffering and pain involved for the sick as well as the family around them. For someone who loses their life suddenly, I guess we could say it's a merciful experience for the dying. No fear to conquer. But that also means no time to say goodbyes. No time to minimize regret for either side.
I've just been so preoccupied with the enormity of this. How life can change in an instant. It makes everything seem so trivial. We spend so much time waiting for the right moment. "We'll have kids when the time is right." "I'll go on that trip in a few years." We count on time, as if we have it to spare. And the reality is, we have no idea what we have. I could die tonight. When you start thinking that way, it changes you. It changes how you approach life. Take the trip. Stop waiting for the right time. THIS is it. There is no right time. Just do it.
It seems so perfect that this lesson would come from Nick's death. Nick always lived in the moment. He was not the type to miss a party or a chance to give you a hug. Teaching us lessons still...
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