Friday, October 2, 2015
And one more thing....
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the few weeks before you passed that you texted late and said come over. "Why?" I joked. "So we can drink beer and watch HGTV?"Nope. Your answer was not at all what I expected. "I want to sleep next to you and wake up and snuggle and then make french toast." And I said no. What?! Yeah, I said no so that I wouldn't miss a Saturday morning WOD. Yikes. Pretty sure I'll regret that the rest of my days.
In a funk
I am not sure what my deal is today, but I am in it. I am tired, overwhelmed, sad, and hopeless. I don't even like typing that.
The day was really very normal- a typical school day, the gym, and then home. Well, a run to the wine and liquor outlet may have been in there as well. I bought half a case. Ooops.
So let's sum up the past few months.... I decide Jeff 1 (yes, Jeff 1....keep reading) isn't right because he doesn't make a lot of time for me and we're not on the same page faithwise. I tell him my thoughts, he says let's talk when I get back from vacay, but didn't mean it.
Meanwhile, Jeff 2 enters the scene. He's great. A gentleman, a man of faith, a family guy, sweet, sensitive, romantic. Where's the catch? I am just not feeling it. Why does this always happen? I like the ones who don't make time for me. The great ones don't interest me. Eff word. Because seriously, he's so great. And the package deal he is part of is amazing. Why can't I? Why don't I feel it?
Some have suggested it's because of what happened with Nick just over a year ago and that I have to give it time. I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. This is where friends have said- you don't need to do anything except keep living. And when the timing is right, someone will walk into your life way better than anyone you could've imagined. I guess I have trouble believing that because my mom always wanted that and it didn't happen for her. The longer you're single the more independent you become, and the more picky. It's not looking good.
The day was really very normal- a typical school day, the gym, and then home. Well, a run to the wine and liquor outlet may have been in there as well. I bought half a case. Ooops.
So let's sum up the past few months.... I decide Jeff 1 (yes, Jeff 1....keep reading) isn't right because he doesn't make a lot of time for me and we're not on the same page faithwise. I tell him my thoughts, he says let's talk when I get back from vacay, but didn't mean it.
Meanwhile, Jeff 2 enters the scene. He's great. A gentleman, a man of faith, a family guy, sweet, sensitive, romantic. Where's the catch? I am just not feeling it. Why does this always happen? I like the ones who don't make time for me. The great ones don't interest me. Eff word. Because seriously, he's so great. And the package deal he is part of is amazing. Why can't I? Why don't I feel it?
Some have suggested it's because of what happened with Nick just over a year ago and that I have to give it time. I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. This is where friends have said- you don't need to do anything except keep living. And when the timing is right, someone will walk into your life way better than anyone you could've imagined. I guess I have trouble believing that because my mom always wanted that and it didn't happen for her. The longer you're single the more independent you become, and the more picky. It's not looking good.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Realities of Adulthood
Maybe it's just me, and maybe people don't actually think this way....?
Jeff just left and maybe I am upset. Maybe it's the fact that it is 90 effing degrees outside. Maybe it's the fact that my mom is depressed, my grandma is 83 and can't care for herself, and my father has an unfair disease that he got as a result of a bad blood transfusion, and a drug company that cares about profits not people.
Here's a summary of the day. Wake up, have some breakfast, Jeff and I head to the marina. Get boat and head out. Best part of the day. I freaking love boats and lakes. Head back to marina, wait around for folks. Dad and Mom show up. Boat people are awesome and help us get a good spot so Dad can get on the boat. We get the boat out, relax, fish, swim, and tube. Can't complain about any of that.
Get dad back to the marina and he has to use the restroom. The poor man had soiled himself due to his numerous health problems and couldn't get off the toilet because of his condition. I had to go buy new drawers for him. He was too weak to shower. A walk that would take any of us 10 seconds takes 10 minutes for him. I can't imagine how exhausted he is all the time. A shower is tiring. It's no way to live, and it just bears down on me. I can't help him. His days are numbered. And the way the whole thing happened is just so damn unfair I can hardly stand it. That part of it reminds me of Nick's death. We get Dad off and into the car and are settling back into things when Grandma emerges from her room totally disoriented, stumbling around with signs of heat stroke. I help her out amidst cries from my mom that it's not heat stroke and she's normally disoriented. Then I ask if we can open the cabin which seems to trap heat and mom throws a fit. I've kind of had it with her. Half the time she mopes, half the time she bitches at me or criticizes. And then the other times, she's overly nice. I don't know what to do with her. Then Jeff had to leave and I almost cried wondering to myself what he must've been thinking about my crazy family and all of this.
I know it could be worse, and I don't want to sound like a whiner. But it really just hit me today. The reality of parents aging. The reality of being the adult who cares for them. It's exhausting-emotionally and physically. I was dad's physical anchor today, mom's emotional punching bag, Grandma's nurse, and Jeff's girlfriend. Damn. I love them all, but I am wiped.
Jeff just left and maybe I am upset. Maybe it's the fact that it is 90 effing degrees outside. Maybe it's the fact that my mom is depressed, my grandma is 83 and can't care for herself, and my father has an unfair disease that he got as a result of a bad blood transfusion, and a drug company that cares about profits not people.
Here's a summary of the day. Wake up, have some breakfast, Jeff and I head to the marina. Get boat and head out. Best part of the day. I freaking love boats and lakes. Head back to marina, wait around for folks. Dad and Mom show up. Boat people are awesome and help us get a good spot so Dad can get on the boat. We get the boat out, relax, fish, swim, and tube. Can't complain about any of that.
Get dad back to the marina and he has to use the restroom. The poor man had soiled himself due to his numerous health problems and couldn't get off the toilet because of his condition. I had to go buy new drawers for him. He was too weak to shower. A walk that would take any of us 10 seconds takes 10 minutes for him. I can't imagine how exhausted he is all the time. A shower is tiring. It's no way to live, and it just bears down on me. I can't help him. His days are numbered. And the way the whole thing happened is just so damn unfair I can hardly stand it. That part of it reminds me of Nick's death. We get Dad off and into the car and are settling back into things when Grandma emerges from her room totally disoriented, stumbling around with signs of heat stroke. I help her out amidst cries from my mom that it's not heat stroke and she's normally disoriented. Then I ask if we can open the cabin which seems to trap heat and mom throws a fit. I've kind of had it with her. Half the time she mopes, half the time she bitches at me or criticizes. And then the other times, she's overly nice. I don't know what to do with her. Then Jeff had to leave and I almost cried wondering to myself what he must've been thinking about my crazy family and all of this.
I know it could be worse, and I don't want to sound like a whiner. But it really just hit me today. The reality of parents aging. The reality of being the adult who cares for them. It's exhausting-emotionally and physically. I was dad's physical anchor today, mom's emotional punching bag, Grandma's nurse, and Jeff's girlfriend. Damn. I love them all, but I am wiped.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Journal Prompt 2
"Something you feel strongly about"
WOW! There are so many ways I could go with this! But today, I will go with this...
BE WHO YOU ARE AND DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE FOR IT!!!
One of the little girls in my class came in this week in sparkly silver wedge sandals. They certainly weren't practical, but she felt beautiful in them and they made her feel spectacular. She was working it and owning it in those things! A little while later, she approached me, sad and sheepish, telling me that a boy in my class had told her he didn't like her shoes. I looked at her, without a second thought, and said: "Does it matter what he thinks? Who cares if he likes your shoes or not? If they make you happy, who cares what he thinks?"
Now admittedly, I could've been more tactful. She didn't necessarily completely understand my point, but she didn't worry about it anymore. So this is my passion today... Own who you are. If sparkly, silver shoes make you feel good, wear them and own it. It's easy for me to say. I've always been unforgivingly bold. Take me baby, or leave me. No skin off my back.
On another note, it's been 10 months today since you left us. I spent some time at your place. I am going to get a reading soon and I am worried that expectation-reality = frustration. I'm just hoping against hope that you'll be there, but at the same time, trying not to think about it because if you aren't there, I know it may send me into a tailspin.
I love you, my friend.
WOW! There are so many ways I could go with this! But today, I will go with this...
BE WHO YOU ARE AND DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE FOR IT!!!
One of the little girls in my class came in this week in sparkly silver wedge sandals. They certainly weren't practical, but she felt beautiful in them and they made her feel spectacular. She was working it and owning it in those things! A little while later, she approached me, sad and sheepish, telling me that a boy in my class had told her he didn't like her shoes. I looked at her, without a second thought, and said: "Does it matter what he thinks? Who cares if he likes your shoes or not? If they make you happy, who cares what he thinks?"
Now admittedly, I could've been more tactful. She didn't necessarily completely understand my point, but she didn't worry about it anymore. So this is my passion today... Own who you are. If sparkly, silver shoes make you feel good, wear them and own it. It's easy for me to say. I've always been unforgivingly bold. Take me baby, or leave me. No skin off my back.
On another note, it's been 10 months today since you left us. I spent some time at your place. I am going to get a reading soon and I am worried that expectation-reality = frustration. I'm just hoping against hope that you'll be there, but at the same time, trying not to think about it because if you aren't there, I know it may send me into a tailspin.
I love you, my friend.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Moving On
I hate those words, but I feel like it's what is necessary. Tonight I went on a second date with a guy who is very genuine, sweet, and has real potential. We went to a release party at one of the local wineries, no more than .5 mile from your place. And I felt you there. Why? Were you there? Was I hoping you were there?
I thought about the numerous conversations we had about this winery and the fact that some people thought they were terrible neighbors. Motorcycles kept going by and I thought about how many times you must've traveled the same route on your bike. I guess it would be hundreds, and yet, all it took was one split second on one day for someone to end your life.
I thought about the ripple effect one life has. Your life was ended by someone and that ended so many of my dreams. And I am one small part of that picture. Then we've got your family and friends. And you touched so many lives, Nick.
It's been a year since we reconnected. I remember our third date so vividly. "Hey. You want to do something later? I need to be near water!" I was in. I grew up on the Finger Lakes, so water is my krytoponite. We went out to the river in NT and walked and held hands. We talked about moms and dads, siblings, dogs, music, dreams. I remember the feeling in my heart when you grabbed my hand. It was electric. I just miss you so much.
It comes and goes in waves now. I used to wake up EVERY day and think of you immediately. Now I don't. And that is sad, but also easier. I feel a lot of guilt lately. I feel guilty that I don't think of you as often and that I've started to move on. And I wonder, when I'm on dates, whether there will EVER be a moment that I look at him and accept him as he is and not wish, at some level, that he was you.
"It's been a long day without you, my friend, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."
I thought about the numerous conversations we had about this winery and the fact that some people thought they were terrible neighbors. Motorcycles kept going by and I thought about how many times you must've traveled the same route on your bike. I guess it would be hundreds, and yet, all it took was one split second on one day for someone to end your life.
I thought about the ripple effect one life has. Your life was ended by someone and that ended so many of my dreams. And I am one small part of that picture. Then we've got your family and friends. And you touched so many lives, Nick.
It's been a year since we reconnected. I remember our third date so vividly. "Hey. You want to do something later? I need to be near water!" I was in. I grew up on the Finger Lakes, so water is my krytoponite. We went out to the river in NT and walked and held hands. We talked about moms and dads, siblings, dogs, music, dreams. I remember the feeling in my heart when you grabbed my hand. It was electric. I just miss you so much.
It comes and goes in waves now. I used to wake up EVERY day and think of you immediately. Now I don't. And that is sad, but also easier. I feel a lot of guilt lately. I feel guilty that I don't think of you as often and that I've started to move on. And I wonder, when I'm on dates, whether there will EVER be a moment that I look at him and accept him as he is and not wish, at some level, that he was you.
"It's been a long day without you, my friend, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
New Challenge
I found this journaling challenge on Pinterest. Journal Challenge
So here goes!
Five ways to win my heart:
1. Love my pups. Even if you don't. Make them a priority because they're one of mine. Love of animals =hot.
2. Work hard. At whatever you do. Give it your all at work, at home, and in the gym. Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, or don't do it!
3. Be real. Don't give me half of you. Let me see it all. Good days, bad days, and everything in between.
4. Don't quit. Quitters scare me. When the going gets tough, as it inevitably will, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, give me a big hug, and remind me that we're in this together. Emotional strength is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
5. Love my family and friends. Yes, they have annoying quirks. So do you, and I love you anyway. Invest in their lives. Ask about their kids and their pets. Love those around me and I'll love you even more.
I think I'm gonna like this challenge.
So here goes!
Five ways to win my heart:
1. Love my pups. Even if you don't. Make them a priority because they're one of mine. Love of animals =hot.
2. Work hard. At whatever you do. Give it your all at work, at home, and in the gym. Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, or don't do it!
3. Be real. Don't give me half of you. Let me see it all. Good days, bad days, and everything in between.
4. Don't quit. Quitters scare me. When the going gets tough, as it inevitably will, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, give me a big hug, and remind me that we're in this together. Emotional strength is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
5. Love my family and friends. Yes, they have annoying quirks. So do you, and I love you anyway. Invest in their lives. Ask about their kids and their pets. Love those around me and I'll love you even more.
I think I'm gonna like this challenge.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
8 months closer to seeing you again
Today I went to see "The Longest Ride", and it really spoke to my heart. It's two love stories, really. The one that takes place in the present is between two unlikely candidates, the female a cultured intellectual scholarship recipient planning an art career in NYC, the male a talented bull rider. This love story is intertwined with the story of Ira and Ruth, a jewish couple married in the 1940s. Their stories collide when Luke and Sophia (the young couple) find Ira off the road in an accident after their first date. They rescue Ira and Sophia develops a friendship with him. In the end, it is Ira who brings them together after his death through an auction of the Levinstein's art. After Luke bids and wins a painting of Ira's wife by one of her students, the Levinstein's lawyer announces that it was stated in the will that whoever bid on and purchased the "least valuable" painting would inherit the entire collection since it was the most valuable to him as it reminded him of his beautiful, late wife, and the amazing person she was. In his letter, Ira states that while the collection is worth millions, he would give any of the paintings to hear his wife's voice again or see her smile. I lost it at that moment. I can't tell you how many times I have said that I would give anything to see you again, even if for a brief moment. I don't have anything worth millions, but it made me feel validated in some way to know that even someone with paintings worth millions would give them all up just to see or hear their beloved for another moment. Love is a transcendent emotion, one that unites us all.
Ira and Ruth had a long life together, albeit one that required sacrifice and wasn't necessarily easy. And still, Ira said how it wasn't enough. And that made me realize that even if we had ended up in a long term relationship, nothing would've been enough. Just some perspective there.
I am just doing the best I can everyday. It still socks me in the gut many days when I face how much I miss you. And then I struggle with guilt. Sometimes I feel parts of my heart wake up that want to love again and I feel guilty because I love you so dearly and don't want you to think that diminishes what we had.
It continues to be a struggle I navigate daily. I love you, and I'll be seeing you.
Ira and Ruth had a long life together, albeit one that required sacrifice and wasn't necessarily easy. And still, Ira said how it wasn't enough. And that made me realize that even if we had ended up in a long term relationship, nothing would've been enough. Just some perspective there.
I am just doing the best I can everyday. It still socks me in the gut many days when I face how much I miss you. And then I struggle with guilt. Sometimes I feel parts of my heart wake up that want to love again and I feel guilty because I love you so dearly and don't want you to think that diminishes what we had.
It continues to be a struggle I navigate daily. I love you, and I'll be seeing you.
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