Remember when we were kids and we thought that life would be so cool when we grew up? What were we thinking? I mean legitimately. We couldn't wait to do all the adult things and make the rules for ourselves. Now I'm pretty sure I'd give anything to go back to those days, provided I could return with the knowledge I have now.
I have been so tired and down lately. It's important for each of us to feel successful and needed in at least one area of our lives. Agreed? It's good to feel needed. It's good to feel like someone needs you, and that you're doing a job no one else could do in the way you're doing it. I finally figured out in the past week why I've been so down. It's because I don't feel successful or needed in any area of my life.
Work- I am in year two of music teaching. Do I enjoy it? Most days. Do I think I do a fantastic job? Meh. I think I do a good job. I think I work very hard. I think the kids mostly like me, but there's that nagging voice that says you weren't a music ed major and you're just parading. But truly, I am starting to get over that. I do feel like kids enjoy my class and learn something from it.
Hobbies- Usually I'd say I feel very successful with the group I sing in, but we are working with a guest conductor this fall, whose perfectionism makes me look like a slacker. I am perfectionistic to a fault but this guy truly makes me look like someone with 5 days left in their entire career. It's exhausting working for him, which has left me wondering if I make people in my life feel this way. Yikes.
Personal- Well that's just a joke. After my divorce eight + years ago, I still believed I would find someone, get remarried, and start a family. And here I am pushing 37. No, it's not the end of the world. Yes, there's hope. Yes, in many ways, being single is not a bad thing. But the reality is that it's very hard to "do life" on your own day in and day out. God didn't design us to live alone. I think the fact that over half of us based on the latest US Census live alone is a huge part of the cause of the upswing in depression in our country. We just weren't created to do life alone.
I found out that Jeff 2 is dating someone. I had a hunch, but it's way worse than I could have imagined. He's dating a woman with several children who doesn't work, has been separated from her drug dealer husband a little over a month, and has already met Landen. UGH. Talk about a lack of wisdom. Dude, what are you doing? He posted a picture of her today with some gross caption on social media. I know what he's doing. He did the same to me. He's made an idol out of her, which is laughable at best. I mean how does he seriously think this will work? It's none of my business, I keep reminding myself. He told me almost 7 months ago now that he wanted nothing to do with me. So why does this hurt so much? Why does it bother me so?
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Saturday, March 25, 2017
What... what, what?!
Ohmigosh you guys. I am ridiculous. I don't even know what to say. Shortly after Brandon and I broke up, Jeff and I reconnected. I had been feeling like I missed him (and missed out on him) back in December, and so I wrote Jeff a letter. I said that he was a man of God, and there were so many things I hadn't appreciated. All true. He loved it, and contacted me. I kept my distance and left it up to him. We started seeing each other again. It was casual. We never had a talk about what we were, but there was definite flirting, he was bringing me around his family again, and things were different.
Last week, there was even a blizzard. Legitimate, you guys. We missed several rehearsals and the musical still rocked! :) Alas, I digress. Anyway, he shoveled my driveway a couple times. I thought things were fine. I was dead wrong.
As of last weekend, he was at the NCAA tournament. I totally get it. You're at something that's akin to me being in NYC to see Hamilton, plus you have two days off; so I'm thinking this is why I'm not hearing much. It gets to be Saturday. Tournament is over. Still nothing. Sunday- nothing. Monday- nothing. So I text him Monday and ask if he knows why I haven't been in touch. To which he says: "I figured you have been busy with the play. Getting ready for that." And I said nothing because: a. you're dumb. b. Anything I say will come out mean at this point. 13 hours later- Was that not right? To which I say: No. I've been keeping my distance as I've been taking my lead from you. About an hour later- fair enough. I deserve that. Yeah, yeah you do, dude. And I say- "I genuinely don't think you're into this." 7 hours later- "Do you want the answer to this via text?" And I said No, I already know the answer in my heart. The answer is you're not, and you haven't known how to tell me. Ummm, can we talk for a minute about how I had to lead my own damn breakup? I mean, can we? What kind of man isn't courageous enough to say what he's really feeling? What kind of man allows the woman he loves to lead the breakup? And then I get this bullshit- This was not something that was easy. I hope you know that.
I CALL BULLSHIT. You legitimately thought I was the woman for you. You called your sister in law and took her to the gym at 5 am to talk with her about it. So how... in the span of days between you showing up to shovel my driveway, and a few days ago- do you decide that I am not the woman for you? I mean really? Is there someone else? What isn't being said? You're scared?
I'm just saying- how many of my alpha ladies out there have heard this one- he's not man enough for you... you're intimidating to him... etc, etc. At what point do we call bullshit? Because I'm there. What is it?
Last week, there was even a blizzard. Legitimate, you guys. We missed several rehearsals and the musical still rocked! :) Alas, I digress. Anyway, he shoveled my driveway a couple times. I thought things were fine. I was dead wrong.
As of last weekend, he was at the NCAA tournament. I totally get it. You're at something that's akin to me being in NYC to see Hamilton, plus you have two days off; so I'm thinking this is why I'm not hearing much. It gets to be Saturday. Tournament is over. Still nothing. Sunday- nothing. Monday- nothing. So I text him Monday and ask if he knows why I haven't been in touch. To which he says: "I figured you have been busy with the play. Getting ready for that." And I said nothing because: a. you're dumb. b. Anything I say will come out mean at this point. 13 hours later- Was that not right? To which I say: No. I've been keeping my distance as I've been taking my lead from you. About an hour later- fair enough. I deserve that. Yeah, yeah you do, dude. And I say- "I genuinely don't think you're into this." 7 hours later- "Do you want the answer to this via text?" And I said No, I already know the answer in my heart. The answer is you're not, and you haven't known how to tell me. Ummm, can we talk for a minute about how I had to lead my own damn breakup? I mean, can we? What kind of man isn't courageous enough to say what he's really feeling? What kind of man allows the woman he loves to lead the breakup? And then I get this bullshit- This was not something that was easy. I hope you know that.
I CALL BULLSHIT. You legitimately thought I was the woman for you. You called your sister in law and took her to the gym at 5 am to talk with her about it. So how... in the span of days between you showing up to shovel my driveway, and a few days ago- do you decide that I am not the woman for you? I mean really? Is there someone else? What isn't being said? You're scared?
I'm just saying- how many of my alpha ladies out there have heard this one- he's not man enough for you... you're intimidating to him... etc, etc. At what point do we call bullshit? Because I'm there. What is it?
Friday, January 13, 2017
Here I am again. I always come back to my writing when things start to go haywire in my life. Maybe I should just keep up with it and there would be less of that? We all know that's not how life works.
In September, I reconnected with a great guy I'd gone to college with. It moved quickly. We wanted a lot of the same things and there was that great sense of familiarity due to the shared past we had, as well as the fact that we're both music teachers, avid readers, lovers of jazz, etc. It was going along fantastically.
There were a few red flags for me along the way. The night he was out super late and texting me (and voicemailing) at 3:30 am talking about "putting the nail in the coffin" with his ex is the big one I think of. He also had a major health scare a couple months back with chest pain, etc. that turned out to be "heartburn." He was hospitalized for a day and I really thought that would scare him into submission as far as eating healthy, working out, and keeping a sleep schedule. But I was wrong. And somehow those things became major irritations for me. He was constantly complaining about being exhausted and not feeling well, and somewhere along the way, I began to voice my concerns. "Have you thought about a sleep schedule?" "Do you know anything about sleep hygiene?" "Maybe you could try cutting out the soda and pizza for a bit and giving your body a rest." I know how all of this sounds. Is it my place? Probably not. But when you're intimately involved with someone, you want what's best for them. I also, selfishly, started to get very nervous about how his lifestyle would affect me. I work very hard at eating well, sleeping, and working out consistently. I am a tad crazy about it, admittedly, because my father had a major heart attack at the young age of 42, so taking care of one's health is super important to me.
Did I mention he lives 5ish hours away? Oh, yeah. So, he lives 5ish hours away, so we were seeing each other about once a month. September, October, November, and then came December- NYE in NYC. Or that's what it was supposed to be. Only I came down with stomach flu on NYE. And all I wanted was two things- 1. to be home and 2. to be not sharing a bathroom. Neither of which I could have. So I asked as nicely as I could, if he would consider going into the city and enjoying the show he'd bought tickets for. To which he said, No, I want to be here for you. Which was so incredibly kind, and yet, so incredibly infuriating to me. I don't want to be dying in the bathroom with the guy one wall over who I have only been dating for four months.
Flash forward to a week post NYE. He breaks it off. Saying that he'd been feeling for a few weeks that things were going south and that NYE was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was not given a chance. He just broke it off.
Now, I have logically thought about ALL of this over and over again. I was irritated with him. Our lifestyles weren't in sync. We live 5 hours apart. I know all of this, and yet, I keep coming back to the same thing. Long story short: I had my heart torn out and stomped on repeatedly by my ex husband, as well as one other long term boyfriend. And they have something in common. In both of those relationships, they both walked off like I meant nothing. And now this guy does the same.damn.thing. Guys, hear me out. I am not saying that this is not cray cray behavior. I wish I was unblemished and had no issues too. But the reality is, I've lived some shit, ok? And so have you. And I'm not judging you. So what I'm saying is, I ALWAYS subconsciously push guys away when I think it has real potential because it's a test. The message I've heard now, several times in my adult life, is that I am not enough. I am not enough for you to fight for. You just walk. Things get tough, and I hold you accountable, and you WALK. AND NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD HURTS LIKE THAT. TO know that you have laid your soul bare for someone, they've looked over it and said "MEH". There is NO hurt in the world like that. It feels like daggers. No matter if the relationship would've survived or was meant to work out or not. That shit effing hurts. Because the underlying message is "you're not enough for me to want to fight for this."
I've also been living with the idea of what an awful person I must be. He walked away, having said that I made him feel unloved, unappreciated, and stupid, and wrong all the time. OH. MY. God. I have nothing else but that. That was NEVER the intent. And I am sick to my stomach thinking that I caused this heart. Literally. Sick.
Really though, someone help me understand. How does one say that someone is the best thing that's happened to them in so long, and ten days before a breakup say that they couldn't stop gushing about you at dinner, and then ten days later, you're their ex? How does that even work? Because I literally can't wrap my brain around that. And my heart won't accept it.
In September, I reconnected with a great guy I'd gone to college with. It moved quickly. We wanted a lot of the same things and there was that great sense of familiarity due to the shared past we had, as well as the fact that we're both music teachers, avid readers, lovers of jazz, etc. It was going along fantastically.
There were a few red flags for me along the way. The night he was out super late and texting me (and voicemailing) at 3:30 am talking about "putting the nail in the coffin" with his ex is the big one I think of. He also had a major health scare a couple months back with chest pain, etc. that turned out to be "heartburn." He was hospitalized for a day and I really thought that would scare him into submission as far as eating healthy, working out, and keeping a sleep schedule. But I was wrong. And somehow those things became major irritations for me. He was constantly complaining about being exhausted and not feeling well, and somewhere along the way, I began to voice my concerns. "Have you thought about a sleep schedule?" "Do you know anything about sleep hygiene?" "Maybe you could try cutting out the soda and pizza for a bit and giving your body a rest." I know how all of this sounds. Is it my place? Probably not. But when you're intimately involved with someone, you want what's best for them. I also, selfishly, started to get very nervous about how his lifestyle would affect me. I work very hard at eating well, sleeping, and working out consistently. I am a tad crazy about it, admittedly, because my father had a major heart attack at the young age of 42, so taking care of one's health is super important to me.
Did I mention he lives 5ish hours away? Oh, yeah. So, he lives 5ish hours away, so we were seeing each other about once a month. September, October, November, and then came December- NYE in NYC. Or that's what it was supposed to be. Only I came down with stomach flu on NYE. And all I wanted was two things- 1. to be home and 2. to be not sharing a bathroom. Neither of which I could have. So I asked as nicely as I could, if he would consider going into the city and enjoying the show he'd bought tickets for. To which he said, No, I want to be here for you. Which was so incredibly kind, and yet, so incredibly infuriating to me. I don't want to be dying in the bathroom with the guy one wall over who I have only been dating for four months.
Flash forward to a week post NYE. He breaks it off. Saying that he'd been feeling for a few weeks that things were going south and that NYE was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was not given a chance. He just broke it off.
Now, I have logically thought about ALL of this over and over again. I was irritated with him. Our lifestyles weren't in sync. We live 5 hours apart. I know all of this, and yet, I keep coming back to the same thing. Long story short: I had my heart torn out and stomped on repeatedly by my ex husband, as well as one other long term boyfriend. And they have something in common. In both of those relationships, they both walked off like I meant nothing. And now this guy does the same.damn.thing. Guys, hear me out. I am not saying that this is not cray cray behavior. I wish I was unblemished and had no issues too. But the reality is, I've lived some shit, ok? And so have you. And I'm not judging you. So what I'm saying is, I ALWAYS subconsciously push guys away when I think it has real potential because it's a test. The message I've heard now, several times in my adult life, is that I am not enough. I am not enough for you to fight for. You just walk. Things get tough, and I hold you accountable, and you WALK. AND NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD HURTS LIKE THAT. TO know that you have laid your soul bare for someone, they've looked over it and said "MEH". There is NO hurt in the world like that. It feels like daggers. No matter if the relationship would've survived or was meant to work out or not. That shit effing hurts. Because the underlying message is "you're not enough for me to want to fight for this."
I've also been living with the idea of what an awful person I must be. He walked away, having said that I made him feel unloved, unappreciated, and stupid, and wrong all the time. OH. MY. God. I have nothing else but that. That was NEVER the intent. And I am sick to my stomach thinking that I caused this heart. Literally. Sick.
Really though, someone help me understand. How does one say that someone is the best thing that's happened to them in so long, and ten days before a breakup say that they couldn't stop gushing about you at dinner, and then ten days later, you're their ex? How does that even work? Because I literally can't wrap my brain around that. And my heart won't accept it.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
A good day
Today was not a good day... It was a fantastic day. We're at Seneca Lake this week, and my girl Kristin (FB) came down and spent the day with us. We were out floating on the raft with drinks a lot, sunbathing, chatting with family, and went to Fox Run for a bit.
FB and I always pick right up where we left off. There's no expectation or judgement. There's just an embrace, a genuine "I'm so glad to see you!" And off we go. Like we never were apart. The best part is I love who I am when I am with her. We have both done so much work in the last few years to become who we want to be. She reminds me that I am capable of being the person I want to be, regardless of the distractions and circumstances around me.
I spent a lot of time in prayer on the dock tonight and just feel good about where I plan on going- being more in balance and less right wing and strict because then I tend to get upset and off kilter. I am not sure Jeff is the guy for me but that's ok with me. It's trying to get Jeff to understand and accept this that seems to be a real challenge.
Now, how to be less irritated by my mom? I seem to be constantly on edge with her lately. Hmmm....
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Adulting
Adulting is highly overrated and more difficult than I ever anticipated, particularly when it comes to relationships. I met a guy last summer. He's actually related to one of my best friends, which makes things more complicated because she became invested in it. He's truly one of the most genuinely kind and unaffected guys I've ever met. He's the youngest of three, and grew up on a farm in a small town. Why all the background? Because I think it's important when you consider what I'm about to say. We don't make sense.
I come from a diverse background. My parents split when I was young, but remained amicable and raised me to the best of their abilities. I am fiercely independent because I am an only and was raised by two smart, independent parents who taught me to be the same. In contrast, he's the youngest of a close knit farm family. I'm not knocking that, but the reality is it's an entirely different mindset. He also learned to depend on two older brothers, but also questioned himself because of it. I have always been unforgivingly confident. It's a tough mix.
I firmly believe that you must have respect for your partner. It's on a different level than other relationships. The relationships I've had that have worked for me have been with men that I've had a deep respect for because they exceed me in some way- talentwise, intellect, etc. I don't perceive that as the case here. Does that sound horrible? Maybe it does, and maybe I am a bad person for it, but in the areas that I value most- intellect, culture, world view, sophistication, musical gifts, goal mindedness.... he doesn't excel in any of those. Where does he excel? Let me highlight some things he is great at. He's incredibly good at being responsible. If he says he'll do it, he does it. He puts other's needs before his own. And spiritually, he's rock solid. But I'm not sure he's ever really sought, which goes hand in hand with intellect and intelligence, in my mind. Arguably, these things I just mentioned are way more important than intellect and sophistication. But I will say this...When I sit down to dinner with a man, I don't want to constantly drive the conversation. I run a classroom all day. Sometimes it would be nice to kick back a bit. With him, I'm always leading. Whether it's plans, conversation, dinner, etc., I am leading. It would be nice to feel like I had an equal. Is it unreasonable and selfish to hope for this? Some people make me feel like it is. I don't feel like I respect him in the way I need to because I'm constantly explaining. i.e. yesterday- he texts " have a great day and have fun with the kiddos" and I texted back "have a great day!.... on the phone?" and he goes what? I don't get it. I'm like I work with kids, you're on the phone. Oy vey. Nevermind. Joke done. Game, Set, Match. It's work when I have to explain the joke to you.
I constantly feel like I'm trying to fit my foot in a shoe that doesn't fit or trying to make him into something he's not. Like last Friday, my Grandma had just gotten out of rehab on Thursday and I said let's take gram out to dinner and celebrate. So I rushed home from the gym, touched up my makeup, and put on some cute clothes. My heart dropped when he picked me up. He had on jeans- just casual jeans like I'd wear shopping, and a waffle/thermal knit shirt like I'd wear over my clothes leaving the gym to keep me warm. That's what he wore out to dinner to celebrate Grandma leaving rehab. Should it matter? Probably not. But come on man. I was just totally thrown. No. This is not what we wear out to dinner. Ever. When we're dating, and we want to impress a lady, we wear a darker wash jean and a button down shirt. And I shouldn't have to explain that or ask for it. It should happen simply because you desire the approval of your lady.
I feel horrible because I am fully aware that this is a man who would marry me, have children with me, give me what I want in terms of family life. I would be part of a family I love dearly. But I have to love HIM first. And I don't. It's not fair to him. I can't marry him on account of his family. He wouldn't want that and I know it's not right. I also know there's a good chance I stand to lose friendships over this and that is very hard too. So all of this is a lot to swallow.
Am I convinced I am doing the right thing? Yes. I am. As hard as it is, I have to drown out the voices of the naysayers. This is not about grief over my father. I felt this long before my father's death. This is not about all the other things happening in my life. It is about me knowing somewhere deep inside that no matter how hard it is to accept he is not for me. And it is hard to walk away because he's ready to go and is a Christian man, and would treat me well. But would we ultimately be right for each other? No. The question I asked myself was "would I marry this man if he wasn't part of this family? Do I love HIM? Or do I love what he's part of?" And the answers were no, no, and what he's part of.
I come from a diverse background. My parents split when I was young, but remained amicable and raised me to the best of their abilities. I am fiercely independent because I am an only and was raised by two smart, independent parents who taught me to be the same. In contrast, he's the youngest of a close knit farm family. I'm not knocking that, but the reality is it's an entirely different mindset. He also learned to depend on two older brothers, but also questioned himself because of it. I have always been unforgivingly confident. It's a tough mix.
I firmly believe that you must have respect for your partner. It's on a different level than other relationships. The relationships I've had that have worked for me have been with men that I've had a deep respect for because they exceed me in some way- talentwise, intellect, etc. I don't perceive that as the case here. Does that sound horrible? Maybe it does, and maybe I am a bad person for it, but in the areas that I value most- intellect, culture, world view, sophistication, musical gifts, goal mindedness.... he doesn't excel in any of those. Where does he excel? Let me highlight some things he is great at. He's incredibly good at being responsible. If he says he'll do it, he does it. He puts other's needs before his own. And spiritually, he's rock solid. But I'm not sure he's ever really sought, which goes hand in hand with intellect and intelligence, in my mind. Arguably, these things I just mentioned are way more important than intellect and sophistication. But I will say this...When I sit down to dinner with a man, I don't want to constantly drive the conversation. I run a classroom all day. Sometimes it would be nice to kick back a bit. With him, I'm always leading. Whether it's plans, conversation, dinner, etc., I am leading. It would be nice to feel like I had an equal. Is it unreasonable and selfish to hope for this? Some people make me feel like it is. I don't feel like I respect him in the way I need to because I'm constantly explaining. i.e. yesterday- he texts " have a great day and have fun with the kiddos" and I texted back "have a great day!.... on the phone?" and he goes what? I don't get it. I'm like I work with kids, you're on the phone. Oy vey. Nevermind. Joke done. Game, Set, Match. It's work when I have to explain the joke to you.
I constantly feel like I'm trying to fit my foot in a shoe that doesn't fit or trying to make him into something he's not. Like last Friday, my Grandma had just gotten out of rehab on Thursday and I said let's take gram out to dinner and celebrate. So I rushed home from the gym, touched up my makeup, and put on some cute clothes. My heart dropped when he picked me up. He had on jeans- just casual jeans like I'd wear shopping, and a waffle/thermal knit shirt like I'd wear over my clothes leaving the gym to keep me warm. That's what he wore out to dinner to celebrate Grandma leaving rehab. Should it matter? Probably not. But come on man. I was just totally thrown. No. This is not what we wear out to dinner. Ever. When we're dating, and we want to impress a lady, we wear a darker wash jean and a button down shirt. And I shouldn't have to explain that or ask for it. It should happen simply because you desire the approval of your lady.
I feel horrible because I am fully aware that this is a man who would marry me, have children with me, give me what I want in terms of family life. I would be part of a family I love dearly. But I have to love HIM first. And I don't. It's not fair to him. I can't marry him on account of his family. He wouldn't want that and I know it's not right. I also know there's a good chance I stand to lose friendships over this and that is very hard too. So all of this is a lot to swallow.
Am I convinced I am doing the right thing? Yes. I am. As hard as it is, I have to drown out the voices of the naysayers. This is not about grief over my father. I felt this long before my father's death. This is not about all the other things happening in my life. It is about me knowing somewhere deep inside that no matter how hard it is to accept he is not for me. And it is hard to walk away because he's ready to go and is a Christian man, and would treat me well. But would we ultimately be right for each other? No. The question I asked myself was "would I marry this man if he wasn't part of this family? Do I love HIM? Or do I love what he's part of?" And the answers were no, no, and what he's part of.
Friday, October 2, 2015
And one more thing....
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the few weeks before you passed that you texted late and said come over. "Why?" I joked. "So we can drink beer and watch HGTV?"Nope. Your answer was not at all what I expected. "I want to sleep next to you and wake up and snuggle and then make french toast." And I said no. What?! Yeah, I said no so that I wouldn't miss a Saturday morning WOD. Yikes. Pretty sure I'll regret that the rest of my days.
In a funk
I am not sure what my deal is today, but I am in it. I am tired, overwhelmed, sad, and hopeless. I don't even like typing that.
The day was really very normal- a typical school day, the gym, and then home. Well, a run to the wine and liquor outlet may have been in there as well. I bought half a case. Ooops.
So let's sum up the past few months.... I decide Jeff 1 (yes, Jeff 1....keep reading) isn't right because he doesn't make a lot of time for me and we're not on the same page faithwise. I tell him my thoughts, he says let's talk when I get back from vacay, but didn't mean it.
Meanwhile, Jeff 2 enters the scene. He's great. A gentleman, a man of faith, a family guy, sweet, sensitive, romantic. Where's the catch? I am just not feeling it. Why does this always happen? I like the ones who don't make time for me. The great ones don't interest me. Eff word. Because seriously, he's so great. And the package deal he is part of is amazing. Why can't I? Why don't I feel it?
Some have suggested it's because of what happened with Nick just over a year ago and that I have to give it time. I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. This is where friends have said- you don't need to do anything except keep living. And when the timing is right, someone will walk into your life way better than anyone you could've imagined. I guess I have trouble believing that because my mom always wanted that and it didn't happen for her. The longer you're single the more independent you become, and the more picky. It's not looking good.
The day was really very normal- a typical school day, the gym, and then home. Well, a run to the wine and liquor outlet may have been in there as well. I bought half a case. Ooops.
So let's sum up the past few months.... I decide Jeff 1 (yes, Jeff 1....keep reading) isn't right because he doesn't make a lot of time for me and we're not on the same page faithwise. I tell him my thoughts, he says let's talk when I get back from vacay, but didn't mean it.
Meanwhile, Jeff 2 enters the scene. He's great. A gentleman, a man of faith, a family guy, sweet, sensitive, romantic. Where's the catch? I am just not feeling it. Why does this always happen? I like the ones who don't make time for me. The great ones don't interest me. Eff word. Because seriously, he's so great. And the package deal he is part of is amazing. Why can't I? Why don't I feel it?
Some have suggested it's because of what happened with Nick just over a year ago and that I have to give it time. I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. This is where friends have said- you don't need to do anything except keep living. And when the timing is right, someone will walk into your life way better than anyone you could've imagined. I guess I have trouble believing that because my mom always wanted that and it didn't happen for her. The longer you're single the more independent you become, and the more picky. It's not looking good.
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